The Humor-Blogs NFL Postseason Pickfest, Part, Ah, Deux Plus Deux
All right folks, here we go. With the excitement at a fever pitch in expectation of the big picks from the humor-blogs community, it’s time we cut the crap, got down to brass tacks and talked turkey.
For those of you who figured I was a shoe-in to win this thing (which was, of course, everyone), I have some bad news for you. The bad news is that I can’t win. I can’t win no matter how you slice it. Chris (formerly AKA Tuna but currently in search of a new AKA due to irate people confusing him with a certain football personality) from Angry Seafood is 6-4 (.600) during our postseason pickfest and Rickey Henderson is 5-3 (.625). I am sitting at 5-5 (.500). If we all win, Chris wins. If we all lose, Chris wins. If Rickey wins and Chris loses, a fight will ensue about percentages vs. total number of picks. The best I can do is tie Chris for the ultimate prize if he and Rickey both lose and I win, unless (here we see another example of that literary device that distinguishes the truly authoriffic writer (which I have used in abundance during our pickfest), foreshadowing) I make an outlandish prediction that could never happen in a billion years that comes true.
As reasonably learned sports folk with at least a few brain cells banging around in their heads, these two would have to be under the influence of Lord Voldemort himself, or at least his cousin Duke Jagermeister, to do anything but pick the Patriots. So I see I way I can pull this whole thing out.
Super Bowl Ex Ell Double Eye- The New York Football Giants vs. The New England Patriots
I don’t like dynasties. I don’t like a team that wins all the time. I don’t like movies where the cop gets booted off the force and winds up being right about the bad guy all along and comes along and saves the day at the end in the nick of time even though the chief (or mayor, or president) told him he was a menace to society and he should go move to Pinesdale, Montana and leave the good people of New York (or Chicago, or L.A.) alone.
Rooting for a team that wins all the time is like rooting for the disgraced cop in those movies. No, it’s worse. It’s like rooting for the sun to come up. “Ooh, boy! Look, the sun came up, and we only sacrificed three virgins! Numbers four through six, you’re free to go. Yippee! What a wonderful surprise! Phew! Well, we’d better fetch our flint-tipped spears and go skewer a mammoth.”
Halfway through the fourth quarter last week, I knew the Giants were going to win, and I was actually glad for Lawrence Tynes that he redeemed himself and made the game-winner. I’m a Packers fan for reasons I won’t take the trouble to go into again, but I would have felt bad if a Giants loss could have been that easily pinned on one player. I’m just a nice guy who wants everyone to win sometimes. That’s why I’m likely to not even watch this game.
Here’s the way my highly secret football-picking calculator has this thing figured:
1. 88.6% likely- The New England Poopieheads win by 34 points.
2. 9.4% likely- The Giants win the game with no time remaining on the clock when an onside kickoff is fumbled by Mike Vrabel and returned for a touchdown by none other than Lawrence Tynes.
3. 1.9% likely- It turns out that the Giants have suited Peyton Manning up instead of his brother and have to forfeit the game.
4. 0.1% likely- The Giants win by between 13 1/2 and 20 1/2 points. This is just crazy. I mean, come on. This one is like when the cop in those movies I mentioned above is out of bullets and he has to throw his gun at the tracks to derail the train and keep it from chopping his new girfriend (who is tied to the tracks in a revealing blouse) in half. It can’t POSSIBLY happen, can it?
I’m going with number four. Feel free to comment below about what a sports-picking genius I am.
Okay. I now have Chris’ and Rickey’s picks, and Rickey completely messed up my theory and probabilities. But if the Giants win by 17, I’m still going to demand at least a share of the crown.
*Chris’ Pick: Patriots 42-32*
*Rickey’s Pick: Giants 24-17*
You’ll find at least 42 funny posts over at humor-blogs.com.
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